I was idling in traffic behind a pickup truck the other day. In addition to two very large dogs bouncing around in the bed, both of whom I was pretty sure were planning to jump on my hood at . . . any . . . moment, there was a “The South Will Rise Again” sticker pasted on the tailgate.
Seeing as how it’s nearly Halloween, and my brain’s just kinda wired that way anyway, I spent the three or so minutes until the traffic light changed fantasizing about obtaining a Sharpie marker and adding a little something to the sticker. It’s not that I had anything against the sticker; I live in Texas, and I see those stickers about as often as those “In Case of Rapture This Car Will Be Unmanned” ones. After a while, it all becomes background.
But I digress. I wanted to Sharpie two constanants and three extra words to that Confederate sticker:
The South Will Rise AgainST THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
Wouldn’t that have been awesome?
Also, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the CDC, have a handy preparedness guide in case of a zombie apocalypse on their website. Once you hit the home page, you type zombies in the search box at the upper right, and away you go. The guide’s just for fun, of course; it’s their way of getting you to prepare for a real emergency. Which might smack of condescension, but I’m in a good mood, so I’ll let it go.
Of course, everyone knows zombies wouldn’t last long in Texas.
This is because:
- It’s really hot down here. Heat speeds up decay. Thus, Hubert the undead would become a fleshy, squirming puddle in a few days.
- That’s if he un-lived that long, because Texas is full of guns. What do you think would happen to a zombie if he lurched into an area where the citizens spend most of their time thinking of reasons not to shoot their neighbors? (Just kidding on that one. We Texans aren’t that bloodthirsty. But seriously, guns.)
- Gigantic pickup trucks.