Anonymous blog person: So how goes the destruction of Planet Earth, vile villainess?
Anonymous blog person: Not going so well?
Me: It’s expensive, trying to be environmentally unconscious.
Anonymous blog person: How so?
Me: The engine in that giant car I bought locked up. I had to pay to have it hauled away. At least I have the oil stain in the driveway to gaze at. Also, I decided that I wanted to wear a coat inside my house this summer, so I cranked down the thermostat, ran both ceiling fans, and opened the refrigerator and freezer doors. I also decided to get some fresh air in the house, so I opened all the windows. You know how much this month’s electric bill was? It was four digits. The electric company must’ve turned me into the cops, because three patrol cars and two unmarked cars from the Narcotics Division turned up in my driveway last week.
Anonymous blog person: Why? Is it illegal to be a dumbass with a giant electric bill?
Me: No, apparently a big power bill is an indicator that you’re using power to do something nefarious . . . namely, grow weed. That’s what they thought I was doing, running a grow house, thus accounting for the sudden change in the light bill. I showed them this blog, plus some notes and research. They shook their heads and left. I know they were disappointed they didn’t find a big cave of cannabis in my garage.
Anonymous blog person: Well . . . at least not recycling is still free.
Me: Yeah, there’s that. I guess I’m done with the high impact stuff. I’ll make do with low impact, I suppose.
Anonymous blog person: Low impact. You’re the speed walker of the environmentally unconscious.