Why I can’t watch A Christmas Story

I know it’s a tad late (or waaaay early) for a Christmas-type post, but eh.

Since I ruined Peter Pan, I thought I should ruin A Christmas Story, that delightful tale about a boy, his B.B. gun wish, and . . . uh, Kolchak the Night Stalker’s leg lamp.

The movie, based on author Jean Shepherd’s semi-fictional anecdotes, premiered in 1983 and now runs on TBS every freakin’ Christmas Eve for 24 hours. The first couple years it came on, I was cool with it. Yay, Christmas! and all that.

But now.

I made the mistake of getting interested in the movie. Hey, Kolchak was in it! Child actors fascinate me anyway, because usually they end up like Bobby Driscoll and Lindsey Lohan and rarely like Kurt Russell (Gilligan’s Island and numerous Disney movies, such as The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes) and Jodie Foster (again with Disney and Taxi Driver).

yeah, kurt russell is that old.
yeah, kurt russell is that old.

Peter Billingsley (Ralphie) went on to do behind the scenes stuff in movies like Iron Man (executive producer, plus he has a cameo as one of Obadiah Stane’s scientists) and Couples Retreat (director). He also scored an Emmy nomination for being a co-executive producer on Party of Five.

and now he looks like this.
and now he looks like this.

Zack Ward (Scut Farkus, the bully kid with the yellow eyes) co-starred on Fox’s Titus, and also appeared in Resident Evil: Apocalypse. He does mostly small roles in B-horror movies (Bloodrayne 2, Alone in the Dark 2). He also recently sued the crap out of some company for making a Christmas Story board game featuring his likeness.

Scotty Schwartz (Flick, the kid who gets his tongue stuck to the metal pole after taking on a triple-dog dare) . . . well . . . he’s the reason I can’t watch that movie anymore.

Schwartz made A Christmas Story (hereafter referred to as A.C.S., because I am tired of typing it out) after filming The Toy, with Jackie Gleason and Richard Pryor. And then it all went to hell. Hard to say why; the old reliable Internet didn’t have much info, and Wikipedia was unusually quiet. My best guess is that he just grew up and wasn’t cute anymore.

that is the shirt of a serious playa.
that is the shirt of a serious playa.

I mean shit, check out his IMDb page. We go from A.C.S. and appearances on 21 Jump Street to New Wave Hookers 5.

I do recall an E! True Hollywood Story episode about him, where he says he started hanging out with porn stars because they didn’t consider him a joke or a has-been, or something to that effect. My big question is, how does one go about just hanging out with porn stars?

Never mind, doesn’t really matter. What matters is that after playing non-sexual parts in pornos, he decided to make his own.

1996’s Scotty’s X-Rated Adventure.


I’m not the best-looking person, I know that. That’s why I stay away from cameras and bright lights. This guy looks like he should be hiding under a bridge and asking travelers riddles, and he makes a porno. And not an oh-shit-someone-swiped-my-Handicam-video porno. A real one, with cameramen and lighting and bah-chicka-wah-wah music and I guess a food service cart.

Have I seen it?

No. Dear God, no. But just the idea of it was enough to turn me away from A.C.S.

Especially when he sticks his tongue to that pole.

And, hey, I ruined Christmas, so now I shall ruin Halloween: remember the original 1985 Fright Night? With William Ragsdale and Roddy McDowall and Al Bundy’s next-door neighbor Marcy?

Remember Evil Ed? “You’re so cool, Brewster!”


That guy? Stephen Geoffreys?

Well, he later did gay porn in the 90’s, under the alias Sam Ritter.

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