Things that won’t be in the Marvel movies. Probably. (Part 1)


ross_assemble

When I was 7 or so, I discovered several paper bags full of comic books that my dad had collected during the seventies. They were a varied lot: when it came to DC, Dad liked Jonah Hex and Kamandi, The Last Boy on Earth; with Marvel, he went for the superhero titles. I remember assorted Daredevil, Man-Thing, and Tomb of Dracula comics. Plus some Hulk, Spider-Man, and, oh yeah, The Avengers.

So I’ve always grown up around comics. I had a pretty decent collection in my teen years, and it’s something I’ve sort of taken up again, although this time I get the majority of my four-color heroics from the Comixology app on my iPad.

I was floored when the first Spider-Man movie came out. I thought it was the best thing since . . . I don’t know, Cheez Whiz. Spider-Man 2? Even better. (And I’ll stop there, because there is no Spider-Man 3, at least according to my movie collection.)

images-1
YOU DO NOT EXIST.

I watched the X-Men, even the first Fantastic Four movie, even though I’ve never been able to stand that group, and when the Marvel Cinematic Universe (hereafter referred to as MCU, because that’s a lot of typing, and I’m lazy) came out with Iron Man, I was floored again, because suddenly Iron Man was cool, and not the boring Howard Hughes rip-off dipwad I’d always thought the character to be.

Before Robert Downey Jr., Iron Man's best use was as a baseball bat.
Before Robert Downey Jr., Iron Man’s best use was as a baseball bat.

How boring was he? In the Marvels graphic novel, artist Alex Ross modeled him after Timothy Dalton, the most boring James Bond ever.

Yawn.
Yawn.

Also, his armor came equipped with roller skates.

iron-skates

Roller skates.

All right, so blah blah, movies happened. As I’m writing this, Avengers: Age of Ultron has been out for a little over a month, and I still find myself gobsmacked that it, and all the movies before it, exist. (I was more amazed by Captain America than by Guardians of the Galaxy, to be honest. Cap was never considered one of the cool heroes. A gun-toting space raccoon though? Come on.)

Despite that, and the existence of an Ant-Man movie, which I would have bet decent money on not happening, there are a few things that I know will never make it into any MCU movie. Ever.

First off . . .

Starfox

Star_Fox_SNES

What? No, not that one.

starfox1

This one.

The douche giving the thumbs-up behind the She-Hulk is Eros, AKA Starfox, AKA Thanos’s brother.

As seen in Avengers, Guardians of the Galaxy, and Avengers: A of U.
As seen in Avengers, Guardians of the Galaxy, Avengers: A of U, and Goonies.

While the idea of Thanos, AKA Josh Brolin, having a little brother sounds like a neat idea for a plot point in the future Avengers: Infinity War movies, the reality is . . . look at Starfox’s picture. That sums up the entire character. If Axe body spray created a superhero, he’d look just like that.

Who the hell puts a shirt collar on his superhero duds? He looks like the villainous rich kid in a Meatballs sequel.

So, Starfox is brother to Thanos. As such, he’s an alien, he’s essentially immortal, he’s super strong, and he can fly really fast. Not such a bad deal, right? What’s so bad about the guy, minus his punch-me face and pop-up collar?

Well. I’m glad you asked.

He also has the ability to stimulate a person’s pleasure centers, making that person aroused, euphoric, or sedated.

He’s walking date rape.

And of course he’s allowed to join the Avengers, because when your roster includes a drunk and a wife-beater, you need a sex offender to round things out.

Did you know there are 37 different kinds of space herpes? You do now.
Did you know there are 37 kinds of space herpes? You do now.

But wait, how could he join the Avengers? He can mentally manipulate women to sleep with him! How does this happen?

Easy. He just doesn’t tell them, thus leaving him free to have his way with the female Avengers.

What bullshit. Don’t the Avengers do background checks?

No. No, they don’t.

Even after his power is revealed, the Avengers just . . . kind of shrug. And he’s allowed to stay on the team, because the comic book version of the Avengers is full of sociopaths, apparently. Although I think when he was eventually tried for sexual assault, they let him go.

And yeah, that really happened.
College frat bros everywhere are high-fiving each other right now. 

But maybe there’s a spark of decency in the guy, because while he was wining and dining his way through the double X chromosome Avengers, he stayed away from the Scarlet Witch, who at the time was married to the Vision. (More on this later.)

Decency, or a highly sensitive psycho bitch radar, because now we come to the second thing that won’t be in any Marvel movies (probably) . . .

Haha, cliffhanger!
Haha, cliffhanger!
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