Things that won’t be in the Marvel movies. Probably. (Part 2)


The Scarlet Witch goes ape-shit banana-pants bonkers crazy on a semi-regular basis.

To be fair, it’s been a couple of comic book years since Wanda Maximoff, AKA the Scarlet Witch, has gone Charles Manson on the Marvel Universe. But oh boy, when she does, holy cheeseballs, heroes. We’re talking death, widespread destruction, and the near-extinction of a species.

The comic book version of the Scarlet Witch is a witch who also happens to be able to control reality, because life in the Marvel Universe isn’t terrifying enough without the addition of a woman who sometimes wakes up unsure if it’s Tuesday or couch.

It's couch, right?
It’s couch, right?

Continuing to be fair, the character hasn’t always been cuckoo. For a while, she was a stable enough Avenger. She even got married . . . okay, it was to fellow Avenger and android Vision, but that’s not such a bad deal. He never sleeps, so he can do all the housework, and he never tires, so unlimited back rubs. Win-win.

Unless you want kids, which she did.

Oh, okay. So she went and adopted one or two–

Haha, no.

She used her magic to conjure up two boys. There was a bit more to it than that, but that’s the gist.

There is no sanity here.

And whereas, if I were to magically whip up a couple of curtain-climbers, I’d have them just appear, she went the Method acting route: nine months of stretch marks and pickles and ice cream and labor and all that. Way to commit, Witch.

Blah blah, time passes. Shit happens, and it’s revealed that the kids aren’t really real. She willed them into existence, and when the Vision gets disassembled and she gets distracted by that, the kids vanish.

So she goes nutso, and the Avengers get her grief-counseling, and the Vision gets fixed, and things go back to being awesome —

Haha, no.

The Avengers give her amnesia, and although the Vision does get fixed, he gets fixed by wife-beater and crap scientist Hank Pym. It works about as well as you’d expect from a guy who can’t decide on a superhero identity.

Just. Pick. ONE.

The Vision straight up abandons Wanda and no one ever mentions their kids ever again.

Until Janet Van Dyne, AKA the Wasp, has one too many margaritas one day and opens her big stupid trap.


Oh my god, you are so fucking useless.
Oh my god Wasp, you are so fucking useless.

Hilarity ensues! The Scarlet Witch kills Hawkeye, the Scott Lang version of Ant-Man (coming soon to a theater near you), and the Vision, and also blows the fuck out of Avengers Mansion.


More hilarity ensues, with the Avengers letting her father Magneto swoop in and take her away to wherever. (Yeah, that Magneto. Imagine how amazing the MCU would be if they had the rights to all their characters.)

The Avengers–and pretty much every superhero–want to put her down, but before they can, she distorts the world so that mutants are the dominant species and every hero has what he or she has always wanted: fame, money, acceptance, etcetera. But the spell or whatever it is doesn’t last, and things go back to crappy normalcy. The Witch hates her dad so much that she decides


and there are none.

Well, there are, no one blips out of existence; they’re just de-powered. Ninety-five percent of them anyway, and that’s quite a lot. I believe an applicable term would be, “extinction-level event”.

And then she disappears, and no one gets a decent night’s sleep ever again.

Until she turns up lucid and seemingly cured, and the restored Vision tells her to fuck off.

I would have went after her with a machete, but whatever.


Well, that’s two things that won’t be in the Marvel movies. Probably. (Avengers Disassembled would be AMAZE-BALLS.)

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