How to be a successful villain

I’ve read enough comic books and watched enough movies based on comic books that I think I can teach someone how to be a successful villain. So, to quote the Joker in Dark Knight, Here . . . we . . . go! First off, you don’t have to be a supervillain. No need for a giant head or a genetically modified body. Seriously, have you considered the problems with having a huge, spiked body? Think of the furniture you will ruin. Not to mention the need to be constantly naked. Second, you need reliable minions. (Also, quick tip, don’t call … Continue reading How to be a successful villain

EXTREME! COUPONING!

Ah, TLC’s Extreme Couponing. You inspire me with your portrayals of Dumpster-diving people saving up to 97 percent when they buy three hundred cases of bendy straws. You inspire me with the eight-hour shopping trips and the four-hour checkouts. You inspire me to give extreme couponing a whirl. I want to buy thirty boxes of Tampax-brand tampons and spend only eighteen cents. So, I tried it the other day. Since it was Sunday, I figured the Sunday paper would be choked with coupons. That’s how it is in the TV show. I bought a paper. And . . . The … Continue reading EXTREME! COUPONING!

McRage

It’s November! In the U.S. of A., that means Thanksgiving, which means turkey, canned cranberry sauce, and a little something I like to call giving and sharing. As in, McDonald’s gave me the shaft, and I’m going to share it with you. I will start this post the way I had originally intended it: THE MCRIB IS BACK! THE MCRIB IS BACK!! GREAT GAWD A’MIGHTY, THE MCRIB IS BACK!!! * *For a limited time only, while supplies last. Price and participation may vary. Your experience may vary. The McRib is not called the McPork, so do not complain it does not taste like pork. … Continue reading McRage

Crappy lines 2

It’s harder to write a bad opening line than I thought. I take this as a good sign. Here are two more lines I wrote for the Bulwer-Lytton contest. I wrote these in Taco Bell; I wonder what sort of output I could expect from McDonald’s or Burger King? “His penis was like a throbbing pink rocket about to blast off, only it was waiting for the astronauts to board it, but they never would board it, and by that I mean that he was sterile.” “Emma was a bad girl, bad like the one last pickle in a jar … Continue reading Crappy lines 2

Crappy lines to crappy novels

. . .  when I came across the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest in a back issue of Writer’s Digest. (www.bulwer-lytton.com) The contest is sponsored by the English department at San Jose State University, and it challenges entrants to write godawful opening lines to possible godawful novels. The “dark and stormy” line was originally penned by Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, a minor Victorian novelist, in the book Paul Clifford. To be fair, Bulwer-Lytton also came up with, “The pen is mightier than the sword.” (But thanks to Saturday Night Live’s Celebrity Jeopardy! skits with Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery, I can’t hear or read this line without changing … Continue reading Crappy lines to crappy novels